Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
