I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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