cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize