Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
this is an emotional support booty call
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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