I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
