Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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