How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
