I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
