they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize