P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
