I seem to have left my pride at pride
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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