I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize