He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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