You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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