I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
