I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
