I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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