drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
