Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
