oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I won the penis lottery.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
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