dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
