Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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