so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
