Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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