Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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