the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
