Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
