why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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