Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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