the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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