I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
