theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
