You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
