You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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