I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
