My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
