i barfeds in our rink
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize