you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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