I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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