Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
