i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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