My girlfriend figured out who you are.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
