No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
