We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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