Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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