After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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