I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
