ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
