The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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