he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
