Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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