I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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