Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
