just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
