I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
