what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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