I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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