Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize