I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
