I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Randomize