Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
