I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My vagina is officially offended.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
