Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I didn't notice because vodka
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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