Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
