How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
