Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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