I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
