I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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