You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I want a musical about memes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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