called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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