I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
